Family Therapist
A family therapist helps with the confusion and hurt as families move through the natural changes in life. The family therapist asks, “What is this problem trying to teach us?” Everyone has something to learn in family therapy, even the therapist. The fluctuations of emotional intimacy and emotional distance are always there, but there are ways to bridge that gap to provide quality in relationship, rather than just enduring painful situations without meaning, or resigning ourselves to, “this is as good as it gets”.
Emotional safety
Emotional safety is primary in a family, a place to relax, play and still take care of the daily work without resentment. The experience of love between others can have a magic that attracts us to our families that is beyond our control, even when other members aren’t there or are cruel and very wounded. The bond that organically exists with family members can be profound. It can feel bigger than us. It continues to call us back to the family. I observe this in the families I see at my office and in my own family, each person deep down wants that safety, and that refuge.
Non-Blaming
The family therapist provides a working attitude for the family that is non-blaming. It is an attitude of “We are in this together,” and then the family builds a better refuge for everyone, not just the children, not just the parents. For example, many families begin seeing a therapist when one of the children is hurting. This hurt may be disguised in anger, fear, addiction, school problems, or any other symptom that is a call for help. When a family works together on the problem, instead of trying to find who is to blame, the success is much more rapid. It is like doing any other job in a group, sometimes we need to stop and re-evaluate some things. The job here is, “How do we do this family thing again?” It is an emotional re-evaluation for better relationships between each other, a safety with each other, a closeness and obvious love. It helps clarify each person’s job as parent, step-parent, child, teen, young adult, etc. Then, there are less unrealistic expectations on each other which is a major cause for negative emotions to run rampant.
Balance of equality and inequality
The balance between equality and inequality can be confusing. For example, everyone in a family requires and deserves equal respect. Everyone in a family has their own thoughts, feelings, needs and their own style of living. The on-going question a family works with is, “how can we respect each persons individuality without loosing the balance of the whole?”. For example, families get out of balance when one parent does too much of the child care, or has to make too much of the money, or doesn’t share in the making of guidelines, or one parent can only be the angry one, etc. The other situation is where one child might be seen as the “trouble maker”, or the “little prince or princess” and too much of the family dynamic gets stuck in one child.
Inequality is as important as equality. Such as, parents need to be parents so children can be children. “No” is from love and wisdom, rather than a rigid judgement of how “you are supposed to be to make me happy”. As parents learn the balance between discipline and permissiveness children feel safe. They can depend on consistent family structures, such as, meal times, jobs around the house, and freedom of expression without shaming attacks. All of humanity starts in the family, to learn this wisdom is essential.
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