Parenting the inner child of the parent, provides empathy and understanding to the outer child.
The inner child of the adult is very similar to parenting the outer child, our sons and daughters. For example, we listen to our children for what they need. As we listen carefully to their voice, body language and emotions, we know better what to do or if we need to get some help. The same is true of listening to what we need as adults. Sometimes we need something physical, like food or sleep. Sometimes we need something emotional, such as talking about a problem with someone who can listen. Sometimes we need something spiritual, such as some time in nature. We know that rejecting a child for being vulnerable, or “not grown up enough” creates shame and low self-esteem, that same principle applies to us as adults.
Parenting the inner child of the adult is very similar, we listen to the part inside that feels young. It is the part that does not know. As adults we can experience young parts of ourselves that do not know what to do, vulnerable, afraid, bored, lonely, excited. Just as a child, the adult does not know what to do sometimes because we haven’t learned it yet. Usually, it is in the area of relationship, such as, parenting and marriage.
It is important to have an open attitude toward these vulnerable parts of ourselves and listen to what we need as adults without rejection and harsh judgement. Ignoring these vulnerable parts as if they should be “seen and not heard”, will only get projected out onto our children and others close to us. What we hate in ourselves, we hate in others; a basic concept of relationship.
This poem by Mary Oliver describes the attitude of an adult to the inner child and the outer child, the part that is learning how to live and is vulnerable. When you read it, consider the child inside.
Poem by Mary Oliver: Love Sorrow
Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must
take care of what has been
given. Brush her hair, help her
into her little coat, hold her hand,
especially when crossing a street. For, think,
what if you should lose her? Then you would be
sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness
would be yours. Take care, touch
her forehead that she feel herself not so
utterly alone. And smile, that she does not
altogether forget the world before the lesson.
Have patience in abundance. And do not
ever lie or ever leave her even for a minute
by herself, which is to say, possibly, again,
abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult,
sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child,
and amazing things can happen. And you may see,
as the two of you go
walking together in the morning light, how
little by little she relaxes; she looks about her;
she begins to grow.
