As we refine our communication with others, we are refining our communication with our own inner life. The quality of communication with another is based on the quality of communication within ourselves. If I am judgmental with myself, I will be judgmental with another. If I can hear my inner voices empathically, I can do the same with another. For example, What voices do we hear from inside ourselves? “She’s such a bitch” or “I’m so stupid” or “I/he/she is so worthless” or “We can’t do that, it’s too scary”. As we hear our inner voices more clearly and gradually understand their purpose and meaning, the same clarity and understanding carries over to our relationship with others. Then, we might hear the voices say, “She is hurting, that is why she is hurtful to me” or “I did the best I could” or “I/he/she has a very interesting style of doing things” or “We could do that, the risk is reasonable”. How to improve communication skills Communication begins very simply and can develop over a life time. The art of communication requires a few basic principles. Good communication skills within marriage, parent-child relationship, friendships, co-workers, and so forth are based on respect and trust. Communication skills assume, “I will treat you as I would like to be treated. Also, I will be honest with you as I would like the same”. We could even make The Ten Commandments of Good Communication:
- Try your best to hear another person just as they are without judgement.
- Try your best to speak from a genuine place inside.
- Try your best not to lie to yourself or another
- Try your best not to manipulate the other for your own good.
- Try your best to know what you are talking about before you open your mouth.
- Try your best to hear the feeling in another’s communication.
- Try your best to hear the subtler messages from another and from oneself.
- Hearing another’s pain or struggle is usually more important than the words they are saying.
- One can only hear another, as well as one can hear oneself.
- Practice, practice, practice these 10 commandments.
Generally, the most effective communication skills rely on attentive listening and authentic expression. Here is where mindfulness comes in. So let’s start with ourselves. Simply practice listening to the feelings and thoughts that spontaneously arise from within all day long. Practice non-judgement, as you gradually become aware of the inner voices. Don’t take the voices personally or reject them in any way. Just listen. We all have multiple personalities you know. The most common voice we might hear is a judgmental voice toward ourself about how we speak or behave. We can then ask ourself, “Who’s voice have I internalized?”, “Why am I so loyal to this judgmental voice, it’s as if it guides me?”, “Are there other voices within me with better guidance?”. “Would I listen to someone in the outer world that talked to me like that?” Then, we gradually begin to communicate with a wiser part of ourself, just as we would ask someone outside ourself for guidance that has more wisdom on certain matters. Hearing the wiser part of ourself is one thing, trusting it is another. We wouldn’t be bothered so much by judgement externally, if we were not listening to the oppressor inside.
