Counseling: For Men can start with some guidelines.
I taught a couples communication class for quite a few years. I saw how difficult it was for men in the beginning of the class. It appeared as if the women had pulled them in by their hair. Obviously, there was a communication problem, that’s why they were at the class. And it was important that the wives did ask for some help. The atmosphere was thick with tension the first night. But that changed rapidly as the men started participating in ways the women did not expect. They were open, asking questions and participating in a very active way. Why? Because I gave them the rule book, the tech manual, the guidelines of relationship. There are guidelines for relationship, just as there are guidelines for driving a car.
Women were surprised because now their men were listening and asking for what they needed in a clear and direct way. This was also difficult for women for the same reason. It was also helpful for women, because it gave them a structure for their feelings and emotions which were just as confusing for them, as it was for the men. Both partners, of the couple relationship, moved toward balance. Men trusting the intelligence of feeling and women valuing the strength of rationality.
Balance
The balance of feeling and thought or emotional intimacy and structure is a major confusion for relationships. Both are needed, otherwise, the emotion is flying all over the place and everyone is feeling unappreciated, unheard, deeply hurt and helpless to fix the problems (to use a masculine term). Process is the discussion of feelings and thoughts, structure is the form of listening without interruption, asking questions to clarify, and the rationality that you are two different people with different ways of seeing and hearing things. And those differences need respect and equality.
For example, let’s say there is difficulty with affection and sexuality. One person could say, “I would like to talk about something that is difficult for me. I don’t really have an answer, but I would like to begin a discussion to see if we can move forward. I am not blaming you, I just want to work on this together. When would be a good time for you to talk about something that is kind of vulnerable for me?” The other person says, “I get a little nervous when you say you feel vulnerable, but yes, let’s take a walk after dinner and talk then.” Notice how feelings were expressed but there is some structure to it, a kind of organization, without attacking or avoiding.
How to be individuals, together
To listen without taking it personally and to not make the other person responsible for your feelings is a practice. Taking responsibility for your own feelings and thoughts and not requiring the other person to make you happy is a difficult concept to learn. Actually the other person is just triggering feelings that belong to your personality. For example, when the person above said they wanted to talk about something vulnerable, the other person felt nervous. This nervousness could be their fear of rejection, fear of being bad, fear of anger, fear of the unknown, etc. This is a point of maturity, one person is holding vulnerability the other is holding nervousness and not making the other responsible. They are each holding their own deep feeling with the rationality that each deserve understanding and empathy.
