Divorce is a time of change that moves us into new territory within ourselves. The new territory “within” is asking for attention. What we do with the inside will directly effect the outside by the choices we make for the future and our personal quality of being. Outwardly, divorce effects our finances, living space, and relationship with kids, extended families and friends. Divorce will activate emotions and dreams of all kinds, which is a given, because it is a major change. The question is, “What is coming up from the inside?” Is it confusion, pain, freedom, guilt, curious dreams at night, inner fantasies of future relationships, or lack them? As these inner experiences are considered, we find that we do not have to negotiate this new territory without a map and a guide.
The purpose of divorce counseling is to clarify why both people are divorcing, so the doubt, anger, confusion and grief that comes later is not as consuming. Also, if there are children, it minimizes the negative effect on them. Parenting through divorce is an important skill. Also, remember, divorce counseling is cheaper than lawyers. Many therapists will help you negotiate how to split finances and what would be best for the kids.
Individual or Couples Divorce Counseling?
Individual Divorce Counseling before, during, or after, can be easier in someways because it is private and can help you to understand what is happening without the distraction of the other partner. On the other hand, couples divorce counseling, is very important for understanding the dynamic that two individuals get stuck in, and what it takes to get out. This is important because you will always be parents to your children.
Divorce counseling helps to not repeat the same, unconscious problem, in the next relationship. The problem often repeats because it is in the dark, unknown. You think you are with the perfect person, but there can be a sort of blindness. Divorce counseling helps to shine light on that darkness so that you know what you are working with in yourself and what you are blind to in others.
Divorce counseling helps you deal with “feeling crazy.” Sometimes people will feel crazy if they believe what others are telling them. Who do I believe? What is right and wrong? What was my part of the break-up? What is marriage about, anyway? These questions need to be answered. Relationship is more complex than we think.
Whether you get some counseling, read a book on divorce, or just talk with your friends; the main thing is to learn something from this transition. Learn how to be honest with yourself and trust what is true. So often, self doubt and rage can get the best of us. That is why it is important to take care of yourself and your children during this time.
