Dr. John Gottman’s “Marriage quiz”, has a 90% accuracy rate of who is going to make it. http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/quizzes/marriage.html Gottman is one of the leading researchers and therapists in the area of marriage. If we look closely at the questions in his marriage quiz, we find it has to do with friendship, pure and simple. Friendship is a genuine interest in the other person and how they experience their life day to day, and the same in return. It is a relationship of really knowing the other person and enjoying their company.
So, where does that friendship go? Why do we lose it? There are two possible reasons, one external and one internal. The most common external reason that I see in my practice, is working too much. The negative cost of excessive work affects our children and marriage, drastically. It is ok for short periods of time, but in the long run, not so much. There is a loss of “just being together”. This problem is very under-estimated in our culture. The internal reason has to do with learning to have satisfying relationships with each other and with ourselves. Internal awareness is the name of the game.
Staying on the same side
Friends work together on making money, raising kids, scheduling times to be together, and making room for family get-togethers. Friends can also work together on relational struggles and emotional upheavals that come with all aspects of living. For example, if I come home from work and feel shut down, and I don’t want to talk about what happened in the day, I can say, “I need some time, I’ll tell you latter about what happened today. It’s just too much right now”. That lets my partner know what’s happening, so she can support me in what I need and not start imagining things or get resentful because she feels shut out. This is what I mean by “staying on the same side.” You and your spouse both know what is going on. It’s clear.
Sometimes, this process is easier if you shift your perception. Your spouse is a human being trying to sort out life, just as you are trying to sort out life. It is not so personal. You know what it is like to feel overwhelmed and struggling, so you can have empathy with your partner. You know what they are going through. As we are empathetic to another, we are also empathetic to ourselves. You can then face problems together, rather than going to, “you hurt me, so I am going to hurt you”, which is very primitive and not very sexy. You are both doing the best you can, given where you have come from and where you are now in your life. The skill of relationship is not taught very well in our families, schools or culture. It is a gradual learning process, and it gets better when you work together.
Therefore, as adults, we have to unlearn certain communication habits such as, interrupting and not listening, simple things, but civilized. Being together is where the gold is. Yes, we need to have the comforts of life and it takes money, but the time we spend with our partner, family and close community is where meaning resides. There is meaning in work and career, only if it feeds others, rather than takes from others. When I was a beginning therapist. I was seeing kids in one of the elementary schools. A teacher had a banner up on the wall for parents night. It said, “You give time to what you love”.
