Marriage Tips, Easier Said than Done, Part 3; A Friend on the Path
Sharing life with another is magnetic, it repels and attracts. What makes it so difficult, and yet, so wonderful? As couples wonder about this question together, they become more intimate, emotionally and sexually. As they discover their own emotional life, they have a friend to share it with. When a couple can talk about their inner life with each other, that’s when the relationship takes off. This is how I gauge the success of therapy.
Complexity
Life is very complex. Two heads are better than one, as long as they are on the same team, for a good-enough amount of time. As each person begins to describe their inner life to the other and the other person can handle it, carefully, without judgement; maturation will follow.
Learning
Each person needs to learn a few things. First, how to recognize their part of the problem and then how to express it. I have explained that in the previous posts. Sharing it with your mate is the vulnerable part. There needs to be an agreement of no judgement, just hearing empathetically.
For Example:
Partner #1says, “I got afraid when you didn’t call me exactly at seven o’clock, I can be so controlling of your time. I realized that if I make it all about you, I don’t have to deal with my own unhappiness. Which is _____________. That is what I need to focus on.”
Partner #2 says: “Thank you for that”. “Would you explain a little more to me about your unhappiness?”
After some time of talking about partner#1, then, if the timing is right, partner#2 can say that they understood their struggle better after it was explained, which brought up helplessness that they could do nothing about it.
Partner#1 claims their own emotional activity. Partner#2 is empathetic and interested and replies without getting revenge or shaming.
How do you want to live this life?
As each person clarifies their inner life, and brings these unconscious attitudes out into the open, there is a great possibility. Each individual can be freed from old ways of relating that are going nowhere. It is difficult to face one’s inner life and to “grow up”. If you have someone with you that wants the same, then the work can be shared and yet challenged because you have another point of view, an unfolding with another. “Growing up” becomes a movement toward meaning, rather than control and helplessness. There are a lot of decisions to be made in a relationship, so the smarter and more empathetic a couple can be, the richer the experience.
