I have seen many teens and their families over the years. Parenting teens begins with a few basic principals that apply in almost all situations. After that, each has their own particular character, such as, too many substances, too much dangerous behavior, absent parents, divorce, adoption, learning disabilities, etc.
Teens are beginning a new stage of life and they don’t know what to do a lot of the times but they would really like to know. They are learning. Criticizing their mistakes makes it worse, they feel bad enough even though they may not tell you, and they may not even be aware of their own struggle. Telling them over and over that they need to take more responsibility is not helpful.
Parents of teens are going into a new stage of parenting that is very different from when the kids were younger. It is more like a consultant, or even a benevolent dictator. It is important to listen to your teens without judgement as they run ideas past you, just as they would a consultant. Then, when it is time to say something, make it short and to the point, anything over three sentences is a monologue, sometimes even two. They need to find their own way, so having a consultant in their corner makes it so much easier, otherwise, it is left up to their friends for guidance and that can be the blind leading the blind. Just as parents “smoking a joint with their kids” or doing “tough love” is the blind leading the blind. Remember how long it took you to understand relationships and this complex world.
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The Balance of Freedom and Limits
Usually, the permissive/discipline balance is very confusing for parents so they either get stuck on one end of this continuum or the other. One end of the continuum says, “do whatever, whenever, you have to learn it sometime” and the other says, “I know best, you’re too young, do what I say or else”. Then, parents will alternate back and forth between the permissive/discipline balance until this balance is gradually understood. This is why it is so important to get some help at this time, because the balance is very important. “How can we help our kids to learn from their mistakes, rather than demoralize them more?” Being their friend and then being a disciplinarian, looses their respect for you as a parent. So listen and ask them questions about what they are saying, even if you think it is ridiculous, they are just learning.
Parents are confused about how to parent just as the teens are very confused by their parents and the world at large. Parents remember the dangers they faced as teens and now are very afraid for their children. Every parent loves their child and wants the best for them. One way to work with this is to reflect as a parent, “What would you have needed as a teen?” This question can help bridge the balance of permissive parenting and harsh discipline.
What do you think? Comment on the forum. There will be more to come on this topic.
