Relationship Counseling, The Real Work Part two: Removing Unnecessary Suffering
Change happens
Most relationships begin with some initial excitement and freshness. This is good and wonderful, but the mistake is trying to keep that and avoiding difficult conversations. The season of the relationship needs to change to the next and the next, for there to be deeper intimacy. This is where relationship becomes richer and more meaningful. This richness needs each person to become more self-aware and self-reflecting.
Competition gets in the way
In a time of difficulty, it is common to become competitive, competing for who’s right and who’s wrong. This is where anger and avoidance come in. “To get my way I will harass you, argue with you, or avoid you, hoping you will give in or guess what I want.” Many relationships get stuck in this phase or end in this phase. This is when relationship gets painful and confusing. It is easy to feel the joy and meaning when things are good. But when there is disappointment or even change, there will be discomfort and struggle of varying degrees. This struggle is basic human suffering that no one gets out of. It is just part of relationship and growing up. However, there are methods to reduce the unnecessary suffering that comes from misunderstanding relationship.
First: What am I experiencing?
If I want a better emotional life, I need to know what I am experiencing first, name it in one word: angry, satisfied, tired, hungry, sad, etc. Denying, repressing, and medicating negativity has a place but we even need to look at that relationship. In other words, all emotions and experiences have a particular message. When I can tell the difference between the messages, I can navigate better. It is very similar to driving a car. I can look at the gas gauge, I can avoid hurting a pedestrian, or I can roll down a window when I’m hot. Knowing the difference can make life easier because we know what we’re working with. Then there is choice where we previously thought we had no choice.
Second: What can’t I control?
The next consideration is control. What can and what can’t I control? For example, if my partner is unhappy, my child is sick, or I feel anxious, what part of these situations are under my control and what parts are not? My partner is unhappy because I forgot to call her back. My child is sick because of the flu going around at school. I feel anxious because of the upcoming test. If I forgot to return a phone call, all I can do is say I’m sorry and explain the situation. I cannot control my partner’s reaction. If my child is sick, I can take him to the doctor or give him some good food and affection. It could be that simple. It doesn’t necessarily mean I am a bad parent. When I feel anxious before a test I could do some relaxation exercises or accept that I didn’t study enough and use this situation to learn something about myself. This is easier said than done. This looks very simple but these situations can activate all kinds of judgments that may not be true about yourself or someone else.
The next post: Part three: What do I need?
