Struggling under overwhelming shame is the most common problem I see in my psychotherapy practice. It may not be apparent in the beginning of therapy but eventually it comes around as a foundation of many other painful experiences; such as anxiety, depression, unsatisfying relationships, and addictive tendencies. People realize at some point in therapy that the relationship with shame has been a long standing companion. I am saying, the deep struggle with shame is a kind of social disease, and many people are infected. A greater problem than that is having no consciousness of this struggle, no awareness of it’s pain, so it operates behind the scenes as it makes one live in fear of people and social situations, even if one is telling oneself everything is fine.
The Confusion
Overwhelming shame can appear as anger and hopelessness toward ones self. Such as, “I am a worthless person”, or ”I am an unlovable person” or “I am a bad person”, etc. The whole “I” is believed to be worthless, unlovable, and bad, instead of a small aspect of the “I”. Eventually, during therapy people start to pull back a little and see that there is much more going on inside of them than “just being bad”. “I am basically messed up” is too one-sided and narrow, and very out of balance because “I am also worth something and lovable and good”. I may have made some mistakes in my life, but I have also done some good things too. There is a real problem when we are out of balance and perceiving the self and life in such a distorted manner. And strongly believe it to be true.
Expectations and Entitlement
Secondly, if we are unaware of this shameful identity, such as “I am bad”, we can hide from it through an expectation or entitlement of “how I should be” or “how you should be” or “how life should be”. Consequently, a dissatisfaction and frustration ensues because “life is what it is”, and thinking it should be different has big disappointments. Even to expect too much from yourself or others can be frustrating because change happens slowly. In other words, as one actually experiences their worth and goodness in proportion to feelings of shame, these exaggerated expectations can relax. Likewise, as we understand what we can expect from life and what we can’t, the shame is seen for what it is, a misunderstanding and a consequence of growing up with limited guidance and love.
“If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.” C.G. Jung, Mysterium Coniunctionis, p 124. This is a simple remark that is obvious to many. But what if we apply that to ourselves. If I don’t understand myself, do I tend to regard myself as a fool. If I don’t understand my mind, do I tend to regard it as crazy? As people proceed in therapy and in life, they begin to gradually understand this mistaken identity of bad or wrong. The struggle relaxes, the anxiety and depression lighten up and relationships become more intimate.
