Teen Challenges and communication is the topic of this post. As I said in the previous post, the permissive/discipline balance is the most difficult in parenting teen children. It is difficult for parents and it is difficult for teens. Teens need and want to learn about life on their own (permissive) and they also need structure and guidance (discipline) to learn about life. When the kids are younger the same balance holds true, but they are more dependent then. Adolescence is a natural time to break this dependence to a certain degree.
Teen parenting, very different from younger years
The relationship with your teen children and how you communicate becomes very different at this stage. As I said in the previous post, it is more like a consultant or benevolent dictator. For example, your teen son says in passing that his friends have been talking about jumping off a bridge into a local river on Saturday night and then go swimming. As a parent, there is an immediate feeling of fear and then control, “no you are not going to jump off any bridge”. But isn’t it curious that your son even brought this to your attention?(needs consultant) So instead of just reacting and saying “that sounds like a stupid idea”(criticism, “you are dumb for even thinking that”) Try some questions, without a critical tone of voice so you can begin a conversation, instead of an emotional power struggle that leaves him feeling misunderstood and stupid and the parent feeling afraid because now you have lost any possible input or reasonable control. “How do you know it is safe?”, “Who do you know that has done this before?” Let them explain, they may not have thought about anything except, “my friends want to do it”.
Staying connected
Keeping a relationship with your teen is the most important, even when they reject you with their disgust and hatred. They are making attempts at separating, but it is very naive. Reflect to them, “it feels like you really hate me right now, is that true?” Let them answer or walk away from you. Reflecting the experience you are having without an attacking response, helps them to become more conscious of their emotions and the inner life. Someone is interested in their emotions and attitude, even if it is coming out negative. They don’t need someone to tell them how wrong they are, but they do need a mirror to reflect, when they are mean, kind, rejecting, loving, sad, smart, angry, hard working, etc. If you need to point out negative behaviors, appreciate positive behaviors four to one. You are working with low self esteem here.
Parenting teens is very spontaneous and creative. If you are creating all kinds of rules or you are letting them run all over you, that is a good sign that you are out of balance. Instead of beginning each encounter with, “How did school go today? or Did you get your homework done?” Try, “What sucked today?”, “Did you do anything fun today?”, “How are you doing with your new video game?”.
Also, find something you can do with your teen, even if you think it is useless or they won’t talk to you. Just to be with them and give interest in what they are interested in, is the best. This is a bridge, just to be with them sometimes, is enough. Wait until the timing is right for certain conversations. Avoid as soon as they get up in the morning, or when you, as a parent, are too tired, or if you have been drinking alcohol. Save it for a better time.
