“Your task is not to seek for
love, but merely to seek and
find all the barriers within
yourself that you have built
against it.” Rumi
In this article we will look at how to work with the negativity that arises within us through conversations with our partner in marriage.
In the previous post, part 1: I described the basic guidelines of how to listen and how to speak with more sensitivity. This sensitivity leads into emotional strength and clarity for both partners.
How to work with negative emotions in marriage: a perspective 
In the previous post I wrote:
“We usually hear that marriage is based on love. But, what if the love is blocked by negative feelings. First we have to become aware of the negative feelings and then understand what to do about them, how to talk about them. As we evolve in a relationship, we become more aware of what gets in the way of love and how to do something with it. So, the love comes back.”
Everyone experiences negativity within oneself at different times and with different intensities. We can feel crazy, confused, angry, insecure, helpless, lonely, depressed, etc. These states of mind can be the normal reactions to our crazy culture or distressing states of personal suffering that need attention.
In the early days of psychotherapy elevated suffering was referred to as neurosis(mild mental illness). Now it is referred to as stress or a particular style of neurosis; such as, Bipolar 1 and 2, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, etc. However we name these feeling states, ignoring them doesn’t work, especially in our committed relationships.
Carl Jung said this about neurosis:
“We should not try to “get rid” of a neurosis, but rather to experience what it means, what it has to teach, what its purpose is. We should even learn to be thankful for it, otherwise we pass it by and miss the opportunity of getting to know ourselves as we really are…. We do not cure it— it cures us. A man is ill, but the illness is nature’s attempt to heal him.
We know this is true but it is so difficult to accept. Jung goes on to say:
“What the neurotic flings away as absolutely worthless contains the true gold we should never have found elsewhere.”
For example: Continuing the deepening conversation of A and B, from the previous article:
B was talking about a stressful situation at B’s work. A was listening and being with B’s fluctuating emotions. After B finished talking.
A says to B, “I’m always surprised how afraid I get when you are having a hard time. Instead of actually feeling the fear that got triggered in me before dinner, I wanted to demand you talk about it right then. But the grown up part of me knew the time was not right with the kids there and we were all hungry and tired.”
A goes on, B is listening quietly, “By staying with the anxiety tonight I realized how dependent I am on you. I am afraid of being dependent on you. Many times in the past I’ve gotten mad at you just because I feel needy.”
This is advanced because A didn’t blame B but held the feelings of anxiety with curiosity. A did not reject the arising feelings. A was able to go deeper by staying with the anxiety and the impulse to blame/discharge. A was able to feel a much deeper feeling, a much scarier feeling, A’s dependance/need for another, B. A was able to value or own the negativity which had been a neurotic thread for years: fear of emotional dependance on another.
B says to A when the time was right, “I know we have talked about this fear of dependance before. We both have been working with this topic a long time. You just described what you went through. For me, I shut down and get distant when I am feeling needy. I get confused. I feel alone. I actually do not want to feel alone. Isn’t it funny. We both are afraid of dependance, yet we mistreat ourselves and each other and end up more alone.”
A says to B: “It makes it easy for me when we can recognize how we are actually working with the same fundamental fears: fear of trusting you and fear of trusting my own individual mind and emotions.”
B says to A: “I feel so much love right now and gratitude. It seems like we have to go deeper to get higher.”
A asks B: “What do you mean by higher?”
B says: “I get a bigger picture of our life together when we can get down like this. I see how the pieces fit together, like a view from a mountain top”
A asks, “What pieces, for example?”
B says, “The piece of struggling with the same fear and confusion, only in different ways; the pieces of your past and my past coming together; the piece that we can talk so intimately, and the piece of accomplishment. This depth of sharing provides love, insight, energy to be kind, a soul connection, I could go on and on.”
A says, “I know what you mean about pieces of our past. I am understanding how to be an individual and not just a victim of my past.”
B asks, “How so?”
A says, “My parents couldn’t talk to each other like we are doing. We bring a respect and knowledge to marriage and our children that was not in either of our families. That is evolution to me. It feels meaningful to own my piece of Our problem.”
We can see by this example how A and B both followed their negativity which showed them a much broader, higher, deeper way of relating with each other. This is an accomplishment of finding “the true gold we should never have found elsewhere.” This is what happens when we deepen the inner conversation with ourselves and as we deepen this conversation with our spouse.
These conversations are in the territory of soul mates or spiritual friends. As we locate our own center or soul, our spouse has a better chance of doing the same.
Finding the “best friend” inside 
“In the neurosis is hidden one’s worst enemy and best friend.” C.G. Jung
In the previous post, I wrote:
As we become more sensitive in our conversations a much broader and deeper experience begins to happen. We each become more sensitive to our own minds, and we both become more sensitive to what we create together, us. These three qualities of I, you, and we become more distinct. By tending to these three qualities magic can happen as well as better practical decision-making about money, kids and future planning.
This is an advanced skill: We can be aware of what we are creating together when we carefully listen to another and carefully listen to our self simultaneously.
With our marriage partner, we can be aware of subtler feelings, subliminal thoughts, a broader range of sensations and clearer intuitions that get stimulated within one’s soul and the soul of another to make for a non-ordinary relationship.
