Learning and Unlearning, that is the question?
Marriage therapy discovers how our parents and culture effected us. Cause and effect, they had parents and a culture too. We all had parents and grew up in various cultures, such as, urban, single parent, religious, money orientation, German heritage or Hispanic, etc. This is where we learned to be women and men, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. So, marriage therapy uncovers the messages from parents and the culture to sort out what is useful and what is not useful. Many messages worked for us as children but no longer fit as adults. For example, you may have had to manipulate your parents to get what you wanted as a child, you couldn’t really discuss it. If you do that kind of thing in marriage, the marriage will get distant and weird. Closeness comes from sharing individual needs and finding a win, win solution.
Photo Courtesy of s_falkow via Flickr
What do you really Need to be Satisfied?
One of the most important areas that gets lost in growing up is knowing what you need and then communicating that to your partner. Many frustrating arguments can develop and go on and on, simply because of not being aware of what you need and then being able to explain it tactfully. Usually, it comes out in blaming, or expecting the other person to read your mind. If you were aware that you need some time alone, need to be appreciated, need to be listened to without advice, or you conveyed that you just need a hug, many problems could be avoided. This awareness and then communication of what you need can avoid cumbersome communication. Generally, it is important to ask yourself throughout the day, ”What do I need?”. Getting more conscious of what you need is the skill, sharing it, is the courage.
Communicating Need Genuinely
One way to get around the conditioning of parents and culture is to tell your partner how you heard what they said. So often, what you hear your partner say, is not what they mean. You’re hearing something that came from childhood, such as, you’re bad, you’re weak, you’re wrong, or not good enough. Even if the other person was far, far from meaning that. It is important to clarify from time to time and ask what they meant. For example, ”when you said you wanted to drive, I heard you say that I’m a bad driver.” Your partner can clarify, ”No I was just getting bored, so it would help me if I drove a little”.
The Way Out of the Box
Parents and culture are at the bottom of it. They transmit so much of the knowledge, traditions, superstitions, and attitudes that we believe in, ranging from the most positive to the most negative. As we take these assumptions out of the box and look at them like old family pictures, we begin to see what gives life and what hurts life. Some of these beliefs just make things worse, some of these beliefs make things better. Marriage therapy looks at what is more fun, being an adversary or lover and friend?
