“I’m so frustrated, I could pull my hair out!!!” Feeling unbearable frustration and anger. Feeling so overwhelmed that pulling hair feels satisfying and grounding. Hair pulling creates a distraction until there is a better understanding and experience of the under-lying feelings.
When feeling angry or frustrated, having stability or a sense of control can seem impossible. The tension created by anger and frustration carries intense emotions with it; such as anxiety, love, sadness, jealousy, hurt, longing, betrayal, grief and so on. That is why it feels overwhelming and out of control. It is complicated. These feelings need sorting out.
The feelings experienced need to be named and then talked about with another who knows how to listen. When these underlying feelings are brought out in the open there is the possibility to understand them in a different way.
First, understanding that hair pulling, skin picking, cutting or hurting oneself in any way is directly related to feelings and relationships with parents, friends, lovers or enemies.
We are not looking to blame someone, that only gives temporary relief and is also destructive in the long run. What we are looking for is a bigger perspective. A perspective that allows for sadness and disappointment. These feelings need to be grieved because something is changing and usually it has to do with a relationship.
Change equals loss and anxiety about the unknown future. Grieving the loss with the help of others provides the strength and insight to take the next step in our life.
For example, “ My parents’ divorce still feels unbearable, so I hurt myself a little so I don’t feel the hurt of the divorce.”
Of course, saying good-bye to the previous form of the family and looking at the future of the family after the divorce will bring up loss and anxiety. These feelings need to be grieved: What will I miss? These conversations can bring maturity and a fresh view on family and life ahead.
“Yes, I have to accept the fact that the divorce was out of my control but the hurt is mine now to deal with. What can I learn from this? How do I manage this hurt so it doesn’t destroy my life?”
Experiencing the hurt, grief and anger that is mine now and expressing those feelings with another is the way. These situations need a bigger understanding. Blame and anger can then change into objectivity and release. It can feel like forgiveness. And it takes time.
Trichotillomania treatment:
Information on hair pulling disorder (trichotillomania) or skin picking disorder can be found at the following links: http://www.trich.org/about/hair-pulling.html
