Family therapy re-balances the family. Usually, in this busy world families get fragmented. Each person has their own work, school, and interests. This is all good, but it can create distance and dissatisfaction when they get out of balance. Warmth and intimacy usually diminish during this time. Family therapy works to reverse this process. Family therapy can then be a model for a new style of family life.
Family therapy expresses that we are all in this together. One of the most common problems with imbalance in families is that one person gets singled out as the bad guy.This one person usually is expressing some emotional pain for the whole family. This emotional pain can appear as problems at school with children, excessive arguing between parents and children, and the various ways marriages can show it’s dissatisfaction. Families can begin to look like a group of lost children, wandering around trying to find happiness. Arguing, distancing, and over consuming are a few symptoms of basic dissatisfaction. Family therapy helps to untangle this confusion.
Family therapy communicates to children that they are important. Children feel as if they are the cause, even if we tell them otherwise. Children are like the canary in the coal mine. They will first show the symptoms of a family getting out of balance. Usually, the kids bring the family into therapy. When the children are young they can seem withdrawn, angry, problems with friends, difficulty at school, and resistant with parents. Then as they get closer to adolescence the unhappiness appears in a more serious form. Individual therapy for children is only minimally effective without the parents participation. One of the most common phrases I hear parents say; Oh, they are just trying to get attention. Yes, that is exactly true. Children need quality attention.
One of the most effective suggestions that I have given to parents is one on one play. This works best with pre-adolescent children but teens need it too in a slightly different way. The parent first decides when they can set aside at least a half-hour. Then they tell their child that at that particular time you will play with them without interruption. And they get to choose what the play is. It is best if it doesn’t involve a screen, such as, TV, video game, or computer. Then let them lead the play. This means, let them show you how it’s done. For example, if your child chooses drawing pictures, then ask them what they want to draw. Or if they want to play dolls, follow their lead. This is not a time to teach them proper drawing skills or the correct way to play with dolls. This is a time for imagination and silliness. This one-on-one play has helped parents and children over and over again. It is best, if this can be done daily. If not, do your best.
Family therapy refreshes the purpose of family. We need to ask ourselves; What do I wish was different with my parents? What did I learn from my parents that I would like to continue in my family? What is getting in the way of quality experiences in our family? These questions can give us a reference point for what we want for our family. Marriage and family are more complex than we might think. That is why a little family therapy might get things back on track.
